Additions, Not Minuses

Updated: May 14, 2021

I think the biggest concept that I struggle with is that a bonus family consists of additions, they don't take from what is already in existence. For example, what if my 5 year old bonus daughter decides to become an actress and follow in her father's and my footsteps? One negative, petty way I could look at this is that she's going to be the first one that will follow in our footsteps, not my child. Mind you, I haven't had any children yet. So who am I freaking out over? Also, when I do have a child, what if he or she decides that they don't want to be a performing artist? I have irrational fears over what is mine and what is being "taken" from me. Perhaps this is "Only Child Syndrome", as I am an only child? As psychotic as my worries about having things being "taken" from me are, they do exist. It is hard knowing that my "firsts" (like bringing a baby into the world, experiencing a pregnancy, etc) will not be my boyfriend's firsts. I do know, however, that they will be his firsts with me, and that they will be extremely different experiences than what he had with his other children and their mothers. With me he will be in a partnership, that his child(ren) with me will be planned, and that he will not bear any resentment against me because he will have had a say in whether or not we bring another child into this world. Also, if/when I become pregnant, it will be his mother's first time to experience a pregnancy with a daughter-in-law. My boyfriend didn't bring any of my bonus children's mothers around until they were in the very last weeks of their pregnancies, or after their child was born. (A time when my boyfriend was not his best self.)

I think the concepts of "what is mine" and "where do I stand" are very important to women. This is a situation where I really have to let my brain and logic speak loud so my heart doesn't irrationally feel like there is nothing for me to share or to gain.

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