Updated: Mar 26, 2021
I have mentioned in a prior post that I would write another entry with more details on my current status with #3. (It actually looks like this will be taking two entries.) I hope this entry will balance out the last highly emotional post I did about her and explain how she was "checking out" of motherhood. This was rather difficult to write because I really do want to be fair, despite how angry she makes me. I feel that each time I talk about her, I have to qualify that I'm not trying to tear her down. I like her and I understand that I don't always know her perspective in situations. I believe women need to be more supportive of each other and we've been trained for centuries to shame and tear each other down. I want her to be the best mom she can be, especially because this would mean I wouldn't have to raise her child! I can truly just be Bonus Mom and be supplemental support. Therefore, I want #3 to be healthy, to be spiritually fulfilled, have a blossoming love life, financial stability and whatever else she needs so that she will be too busy to be a part of my relationship with my boyfriend! Bad behavior deserves criticism. Naiive behavior, while it can gain feelings of sympathy, needs to be called out. I do understand that until I know her side of things, I may be unfair. If an update or detail comes through that brings clarity to any of my opinions, I will be the first to say that I was wrong and apologize for saying anything slanderous. I will also make the effort to acknowledge growth on her behalf or mine. I would like the same to be done for me if the roles were reversed. I'm human. I, too make mistakes and have a lot to learn. I believe that #3 without a doubt, loves her children. Unfortunately, love is not enough to ensure that your children will grow up well-adjusted and functional.
One of my biggest frustrations with #3 is her immaturity. At times, she seems to lack the ability to see the big picture, despite the fact that her intentions come from a good place. Let's begin with how I see her start within my/my boyfriend's family: I believe that her pregnancy with my boyfriend was unplanned, but keeping the pregnancy was calculated. I say this due to behaviors I've witness and things that have been said. I believe I've described a few examples in prior entries. One may argue that maybe #3 is pro-life and that abortion was not an option. I don't think this applies to her because she had a pregnancy scare (albeit with someone else, not my boyfriend) when I first entered the picture and she was talking about how she was going to terminate the pregnancy if she was indeed expecting. The way I see the scenario: She and my boyfriend were doing what single people do and were friends with benefits. I know that my boyfriend had no intentions of including her in any of his future plans and I think she was trying to change that. One way to get a man's attention is if you're carrying his baby. Perhaps this was her opportunity? Maybe this was how she could finally get his attention, show him how amazing of a woman she was and then they'd be together! He just wasn't giving her the time and this was going to slow him down and get his focus! He could get a taste of what it felt like to be in a united family unit since he's been a single father with his other two children. If he could only see how amazing it all could be, he'd stay and they could be a family! She was even quoted to have said about herself and my boyfriend, "We both have children with other people. No one wants us! We're destined to be together!" 😳
The red flags:
She was unemployed when she got pregnant with her daughter/my bonus daughter
She wasn't in school, she had dropped out of community college
She already had a toddler son with another man
My boyfriend was already struggling financially to pay child support for his 2 older children
At this time, my boyfriend was unfocused and not being the best father he could be
My boyfriend was at that time, not on the best terms with the other two mothers of his children
She was not financially stable to be on her own so she was still living at home with her family
She didn't have a driver's license so she was very dependent on a lot of other people already
Life can be hard. None of these circumstances are necessarily anything to be ashamed of because things evolve and situations do improve. However, if these were my circumstances and I found myself single and pregnant (and knowing that I would still be single after having the baby), I would not have had the baby. Then again, I'm the type of woman who's been on birth control for years because I don't ever want to put myself through an abortion, if I can help it. Also, knowing what my boyfriend's situation was at the time, who the Hell would want him as a baby daddy? He sounded irresponsible AF! Both my boyfriend and #3 were being reckless and now as a collective (that now includes me and grandparents from both sides), we're all dealing with the consequences of poorly thought out decisions. It does seem, however, that she thoroughly weighed the two potential outcomes of her gamble and was at peace with either result. (Option 1: she and my boyfriend would be together. Option 2: she would have to accept a step-mom for her daughter.) For the most part, she appears to have accepted me without much resistence. To be clear: My bonus daughter is wanted and loved! I do not want that to ever be misconstrued! However, there is something to be said about irresponsibly bringing a child into this world. A baby involves way more people than just the mother and the father. It really does take a village. To be honest, #3 feels like a family invader. My boyfriend and I see her as an interloper and it's very difficult for me (thus far) to not be angry and resentful.
The one area where #3 has been gracious and extraordinarily mature is telling her daughter that I am one of her mommies, that she has three mommies: her grandmother (maternal), her biological mother and me. Knowing that I have the parental support of both her mother and father makes it easier to parent my bonus daughter because she trusts me.
To be continued ...