Trying to Mitigate the Feels

Life since society has start opening back up has been anything but easy going. I'm realizing that I don't have the same endurance as I did pre-Covid. So figuring out how many weekly shifts I can work without having a break down from exhaustion has been a journey! Los Angeles essentially opened back up on June 15th, removing the mask mandate and making mask-wearing optional for those who have been vaccinated. Thus far, I am teaching Pilates two nights a week. Pre-Covid this would have been nothing for my stamina! Post-Covid, working more shifts than that wear me out! It's so weird how it now feels like work is a secondary energy in my life. It is taking needed attention away from family affairs. Pre-Covid, work was life, family was second. My boyfriend really feels like Covid was a giant reset button for humanity. For those who were able to survive, this was a period where we needed to re-evaluated what was important.

Another set of feelings that I'm trying to navigate through: #3 told us she was pregnant again. However, she terminated this pregnancy.

I'm a little angry and resentful. Make no mistake, I think she made the right choice here. She's still living with her parents and financially cannot afford to live with her children on her own. Adding a third child to her formula would've just been ridiculously irresponsible and chaotic. At the same time, I look at her and think, "Why did you have the sense to terminate now, versus back when you had your second pregnancy? Your finances and your environment are exactly the same as it was back then." It could very well be maturity - that she realized having another child was going to be difficult for everyone, not just her. If that's the case, I applaud her for making the difficult decision to terminate! Yet the resentful side of my brain thinks: This pregnancy was with her current boyfriend, who sees a future with her and has actually vocalized wanting his own child with her. So on one hand, yes, thank you #3 for having the realization that you're not ready for your 3rd baby yet. On the other hand, you terminated the pregnancy with the partner who wants the future with you, but kept the pregnancy with the guy who didn't want a child with you??? I definitely have my biases here, but for the love of God, (and this is rhetorical) someone make this logic make sense!!!

If anything, my boyfriend's family has vocalized that to them, this is proof that #3 was trying to trap my boyfriend. They love our 5 year old to death, but they now are no longer giving #3 the benefit of the doubt that she kept her pregnancy due to religious or pro-life beliefs.

I do wish #3 well. We're a part of each other's journeys - it is what it is. I cannot control what she does, only watch and speak up when she asks to hear from me. When she does have her 3rd baby, I hope we'll all be in a place of stability. I would love to celebrate with her from a distance and not feel like I have to be immediately around her for our 5 year old's sake.

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